So I had my appointment with my psychiatrist, who is from the middle east (I forgot what country, brain fog) and once told me how she’s from a Muslim country and how Islam is terrible when I brought up profiling of Muslims in this country for 3:45pm
I get there on time… and wait… waiting in the hot ass waiting room during a heatwave and heat + MS = pain…
Anyway, first Dr. Phil is on.. easily ignored, I’m playing on my iphone.. then Judge Judy at 4.. then it’s 5pm and the news comes on… keep in mind i’m still waiting to be seen. The first they show is the police murdering another black male in Minnesota… and the video… and that shit is an instant trigger for me, because whenever I see injustice, no matter how small, i get enraged and if I can do something about it, I do, and if I can’t, I feel helpless and weak and I hate that feeling, so I get so angry and want to cause physical pain to these people who do it.. but I can’t.
In the waiting room, after they show this and how the Louisiana police who murdered Alton Sterling are getting PAID administrative leave… we start talking, because we’re all Black in there.. and we’re talking about how fucked up it is… like one of the women there is telling us how she is afraid for her sons, and it’s just heartbreaking..
I finally see her at like 5:20… over an hour past when i’m supposed to see her.. so right now i’m suffering from stress which makes MS worse and the heat… and i’m livid at what I saw on TV… but since i’m losing my short term memory, I made it a point to remember to tell her 5 things i needed to tell her.
The thing that prompted her rant was me telling her about the murdered black males, and that as a black male, I often feel scared, because a police officer can gun me down like nothing. Even when those black men told the officers what they were doing as they moved, they were still murdered.. and on camera. The wife (or girlfriend, i don’t remember) was arrested and released at 5am today in Minnesota.. for nothing.
I told her how the Fanapt is working on keeping my outbursts and impulses sort of in check, but I told her about yesterday with the able-bodied person ignoring the disabled and elderly passengers, and how i went off on this person because it’s an injustice.. like I said, no matter how small, it’s a trigger.. and i have to fix it.
I go on to tell her this, that any little thing like that, i have to hold in, but I can’t.. and thats why I’m studying for the LSAT to go to law school for Civil Rights and be the hammer and loud voice that smashes the system.
This prompts her to rant about the injustice regarding Hillary’s emails…. because you know, black people being murdered by the police is the same as that.
She goes on rambling how the emails could put other people in danger if she was hacked!! And how she got away with it!!! IF YOU OR I DID THAT WE’D BE ARRESTED!! SUCH INJUSTICE!!
Then she goes on about how a black female patient apparently brought up the whole email thing yesterday, and how she said that if Hillary became President, the patient would leave the country.
At this point i’m like 0_0 and pulling my hair back to do a little Jon Snow bun because it relaxes me even though I want to get back to talking about myself and my problems… which is what i’m paying her for.
However, I made the mistake of saying “Well, it’s a shit sandwich either way, but I mean it’s better than the rich asshole.”
And then she went on to tell me how another black female patient of hers worked for some rich asshole and how he treated her nicely (i’m sure she didn’t directly work for him), and that the rich asshole never put the country in danger like Hillary did…
Then she rambles about how great the rich asshole is and how bad Hillary is for about another 10 minutes…
THEN, I make another mistake by telling her, i’m not voting, because she was telling me that “not everything is black and white” and how I should “study history” which always makes me laugh, because she’s said this before and I want to tell her that I know more history than she would ever know.
I tell her, i’m a Socialist/Communist… this causes her to tell me how being an ironfist dictator is bad.. and to look at Vietnam, and how they want to come here and they have coca-cola ads and at this point i’m like.. please shoot me…
Luckily, someone interrupts, comes in, hands her an envelope and I get to say OH THAT REMINDS ME, I need you to refill my klonos. And she did.. and then I did my WELP looks like i’ll be leaving now stuff and told her i’d see her in a month.
But before I left, once again she told me to study history and realize the world isn’t black and white.
This is what I paid 70 dollars in total for.
I’m furious, not only because I had to wait over an hour to see her, and over an hour to get a cab home, but because she’s a psychiatrist, not a psychologist… and I don’t know why the second I mention one tiny thing that’s not medical related (the last time she rambled on was when I told her off-handedly that how it was terrible Fox News was on the tv in the waiting room, which led her to tell me to LOOK AT BOTH SIDES.) she just goes off terribly on her right-winged fucking rants.
I’m just angry. I’m angry because I still have emotions over what has happened this week, and I have no one to share it with and no one to hear me.
I’m angry because Obama called this “Not just a Black issue”.