Psychiatrist Blues

So I had my appointment with my psychiatrist, who is from the middle east (I forgot what country, brain fog) and once told me how she’s from a Muslim country and how Islam is terrible when I brought up profiling of Muslims in this country for 3:45pm

I get there on time… and wait… waiting in the hot ass waiting room during a heatwave and heat + MS = pain…

Anyway, first Dr. Phil is on.. easily ignored, I’m playing on my iphone.. then Judge Judy at 4.. then it’s 5pm and the news comes on… keep in mind i’m still waiting to be seen. The first they show is the police murdering another black male in Minnesota… and the video… and that shit is an instant trigger for me, because whenever I see injustice, no matter how small, i get enraged and if I can do something about it, I do, and if I can’t, I feel helpless and weak and I hate that feeling, so I get so angry and want to cause physical pain to these people who do it.. but I can’t.

In the waiting room, after they show this and how the Louisiana police who murdered Alton Sterling are getting PAID administrative leave… we start talking, because we’re all Black in there.. and we’re talking about how fucked up it is… like one of the women there is telling us how she is afraid for her sons, and it’s just heartbreaking..

I finally see her at like 5:20… over an hour past when i’m supposed to see her.. so right now i’m suffering from stress which makes MS worse and the heat… and i’m livid at what I saw on TV… but since i’m losing my short term memory, I made it a point to remember to tell her 5 things i needed to tell her.

The thing that prompted her rant was me telling her about the murdered black males, and that as a black male, I often feel scared, because a police officer can gun me down like nothing. Even when those black men told the officers what they were doing as they moved, they were still murdered.. and on camera. The wife (or girlfriend, i don’t remember) was arrested and released at 5am today in Minnesota.. for nothing.

I told her how the Fanapt is working on keeping my outbursts and impulses sort of in check, but I told her about yesterday with the able-bodied person ignoring the disabled and elderly passengers, and how i went off on this person because it’s an injustice.. like I said, no matter how small, it’s a trigger.. and i have to fix it.

I go on to tell her this, that any little thing like that, i have to hold in, but I can’t.. and thats why I’m studying for the LSAT to go to law school for Civil Rights and be the hammer and loud voice that smashes the system.

This prompts her to rant about the injustice regarding Hillary’s emails…. because you know, black people being murdered by the police is the same as that.

She goes on rambling how the emails could put other people in danger if she was hacked!! And how she got away with it!!! IF YOU OR I DID THAT WE’D BE ARRESTED!! SUCH INJUSTICE!!

Then she goes on about how a black female patient apparently brought up the whole email thing yesterday, and how she said that if Hillary became President, the patient would leave the country.

At this point i’m like 0_0 and pulling my hair back to do a little Jon Snow bun because it relaxes me even though I want to get back to talking about myself and my problems… which is what i’m paying her for.

However, I made the mistake of saying “Well, it’s a shit sandwich either way, but I mean it’s better than the rich asshole.”

And then she went on to tell me how another black female patient of hers worked for some rich asshole and how he treated her nicely (i’m sure she didn’t directly work for him), and that the rich asshole never put the country in danger like Hillary did…

Then she rambles about how great the rich asshole is and how bad Hillary is for about another 10 minutes…

THEN, I make another mistake by telling her, i’m not voting, because she was telling me that “not everything is black and white” and how I should “study history” which always makes me laugh, because she’s said this before and I want to tell her that I know more history than she would ever know.

I tell her, i’m a Socialist/Communist… this causes her to tell me how being an ironfist dictator is bad.. and to look at Vietnam, and how they want to come here and they have coca-cola ads and at this point i’m like.. please shoot me…

Luckily, someone interrupts, comes in, hands her an envelope and I get to say OH THAT REMINDS ME, I need you to refill my klonos. And she did.. and then I did my WELP looks like i’ll be leaving now stuff and told her i’d see her in a month.

But before I left, once again she told me to study history and realize the world isn’t black and white.

This is what I paid 70 dollars in total for.

I’m furious, not only because I had to wait over an hour to see her, and over an hour to get a cab home, but because she’s a psychiatrist, not a psychologist… and I don’t know why the second I mention one tiny thing that’s not medical related (the last time she rambled on was when I told her off-handedly that how it was terrible Fox News was on the tv in the waiting room, which led her to tell me to LOOK AT BOTH SIDES.) she just goes off terribly on her right-winged fucking rants.

I’m just angry. I’m angry because I still have emotions over what has happened this week, and I have no one to share it with and no one to hear me.

I’m angry because Obama called this “Not just a Black issue”.

I’m angry.

I’ll be back this Monday. I swear!! Here are my excuses.

This is something i’ve said many times, but I will be writing again starting Monday.

Let me explain why the hiatus.

First of all I had went home to New York to spend Christmas with my mommykins and brother. So it was kind of a bad time to start the blog again, still no excuse though. Then I had a Klonopin withdrawal while in New York. The idea was that I knew I was running out of klonopin when I went to New York, but the CVS jerks were like “Hey you can totes refill it there brah.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t… because, and consider this a service message for people on serious medication like klonopin.

Drug laws change state by state

which I didn’t know. So in order to get a refill of klonopin, according to New York State, I had to get a NEW prescription… on Christmas Eve… from a doctor.

The CVS pharmacist wasn’t very nice, seeing as how I could have died or gone into a coma, etc etc… so I had to stick it out and through some miracle I ended up with klonos before I went completely crazy, but at that time, I was in no condition to write, unless you wanted me to write what the voices in my head were telling me and how the shadow people looked.

Then I had to recover… then I spent the rest of my time hanging out with my mom. It was nice. I was a very troublesome kid growing up, so it was nice to just be around her and laugh with her and watch Family “Dat Ass” Feud among other things. Actually, scratch that… I was troublesome until… 32 minus when Obama ran minus 1 – 2 years…. so… 24.. Let’s go with 24. I’ll tell you about my fun exploits of drugs, alcoholism, and other terrible things later when they become relevant.

Anyway, I came back to Philadelphia on the 5th, and since then i’ve been pretty depressed over more black men and women being killed by police officers and the media ignoring the NAACP bombing and kind of lazy and angry.

I also had to do real life things, like check on my disability eligibility, which the nice lady said takes around 180 days minimum, which means a year in real time, called for SSI since I have no income and live on the charity of others, and called nelnet to get a deferment on my student loans since I am disabled and more importantly so I wouldn’t get sued by the University of Pennsylvania, which has money from shit like slavery and Benjamin Franklin, for money I don’t have.

So that’s what has happened these past two weeks. I am going to take my baclofen, because I went to CVS to get my drugs and even though its three streets away, it took an hour, so i’m in pain and then wake up at 3:30 to walk Jace. Then work on making him a Service Dog, because I know he hates being alone in the house… I would too. I do hate being alone in general, and without him I am.

Anyhoo, I’ll be back writing about serious issues on Monday. I wish you all love, peace, and blessings!

A tweet that inspired a post regarding white privilege

I wasn’t planning on writing today, or maybe I was, who knows. My left arm has been doing weird things like being super numb and every place I call (CVS pharmacy, Hospital of Pennsylvania) has been kinda rude when I ask them questions about it.

But this isn’t about that. It’s about this:

The truth

I’ve kept quiet recently about the murders of those NYC police officers, mainly because i’ve been focusing on having a positive mood for the holidays.

I may have made posts like “They were no angels” to mock what The News have all said about the men and women that the police have murdered throughout the month (or months). But thats it really.

But this tweet really got to me because it’s true.

When the murders happened, NOW WAS THE TIME TO GET SERIOUS. The police blamed Mayor Diblasio for this and calls for his resignation because he allowed protests regarding the police murderering women and men of color.

Even House Negro Obama made a statement… again asking us to “reflect” (his favorite thing to do apparently), and even he’s getting blame from psychopaths like Rudy Giuliani, who said Obama told everyone to hate the Police when Obama has just been sitting on his hands and farting around doing nothing.

When the police are murdered, EVERYONE CARES. THEY WERE HEROES. No one digs into their backstories like they do for the people of color who were murdered by police. And they blame non-violent protesters for this.

I don’t know the officers who were murdered, but I do respect the dead, however, they were no angels.

Jesse Williams Gives a Great Historical Aspect on Race/Gender/LGBTQI Relations in America

As a note, I use this blog to promote the important things I share over Facebook to give longer thoughts on them rather than just click share.

Anyway, Jesse Williams, whom admittedly i’ve never heard of (sorry bro), gave a really passionate talk that you should really watch.

He’s bi-racial (half black/half white), i’m (half-black/half-puerto rican), so we have had different experiences because if you’re bi-racially white you do garner a little more privilege.

Anyway, he points out the most important thing that SO MANY people don’t know or realize or learn: It’s History. History is my favorite subject. War History, World History, History History…. I love it.. because the only way to CHANGE the system is to understand HOW we got to where we are today.

I’m glad he promotes the notion to tell people to learn REAL history, and not what you’re taught in school. Guns, Germs and Steel IS one of the best books ever written and I highly recommend it.

My only critique is that he only points out the Republican party is stifling change… it’s not. It’s also the Democrats. Look at Obama and his reactions to the recent murders of black men and women. He does nothing.

I am going to use this blog to post a lot about History as well. So I thank you Jesse Williams for reminding me, because to be a radical, and to be a revolutionary or to even just make a CHANGE, you need to know where this all came from, no matter who you are.

Please remember that we are all in the same boat. I repeat this over and over again. Minorities include women/people of color/LGBTQI and anyone crushed under the boot of the establishment. This is why I always urge us not to fight against one another because that’s what they want. That’s how they keep us divided.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the video and I hope it provokes some real thought in how our WORLD works against us, not with us.

The strangest thing happened today….

When I wake up, I have a morning routine after the pills. This is going to be the last time I go into the backstory of what happened since my last post about TIDES OF NUMENARA which is called Pillars of Eternity now.. so Jesus Christ it’s been a long time.

Expect this blog to be updated more frequently, because the thing that stopped me from updating was going into what happened since I last wrote… but now that that’s done, I can write again. It was a huge chip off my shoulder.

So anyway, my morning routine involves checking the Steam Activity page to see whats new…. and there was something about ENTER TO WIN A CONTEST AND WRITE ABOUT WHY YOU LOVE CHRISTMAS.

And I did… and well… I got a lot off my chest. I entered to win Watch_Dogs… but winning isn’t important. It was writing this… and now me feeling like I can finally write again in my life after doing this.

Please note, I did not write this for the contest as a sob story. Watch Underscore Dogs is just a game. This is my life… it felt… good to get this off my chest.

Anyway, here is what I wrote. And i’m glad I wrote it, because like I said. I can start writing about the other things in my life I care about, which, if you care about my blog or what I write, will be Social Justice and Civil Rights/Video Games/Let’s Plays of Grognard Games/Whatever comes to mind.

Without further ado:

I would most like Watchdogs for Origin

Steam ID:

I really hope this doesn’t come off as a sob story because it isn’t. I don’t feel sorry for myself.

On September 30th 2013, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I was 30 at the time… I was the Communications Officer at a non-profit that dealt with youth violence prevention, juvenile justice, and reuniting families that were affected by the justice system here in the US. After being diagnosed with MS, I went on short-term disability, because I had to go to the hospital twice before Christmas of 2013.

All my life, I have been independent…. and adjusting to this life-long disease has been the struggle of 2014. Upon returning to work in January of 2014, I was fired for having MS. I had to take the deal they offered (more of a bribe), because of the health care package they offered so I wouldn’t sue them. My former boss was abusive as abusive can be. Swearing, yelling, disgusting comments while I was trying to figure out before I was diagnosed what exactly was going on with my body.

I fell into a deep depression, which, is worse, because I am diagnosed with PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression in general…. so you can imagine how getting fired for MS, from a philanthropy group (the irony!) just made it worse.

Dealing with MS is difficult, not only because of the symptoms, but because not a lot of people understand it. My only outlet to the outside world was and is still Facebook and the internet, though i’m trying to change it.

During this year, my mom and my brother were there for me. I mean REALLY there for me. Like I said, I’m used to being independent all my life, so you can imagine the life change of not being independent… from having my unemployment disappear, to having to wait forever in the US to get disability and struggle to pay bills and eat. If it wasn’t for my dog Jace, i’d be totally alone in this apartment of mine.

But i’m grateful for Christmas because during this year I realized how much my mom and brother love me. I feel their love. I live in Philadelphia, my mom lives in NY, and my brother travels around the country like a mysterious writing ninja, but this Christmas, we are going to spend 2 weeks together and I am excited because, as the year always winds down to the New Year, you take account into what happened in your life this year. And I have. And I’m so grateful and love my mom and brother and everyone who has been there for me and stuck by me during this difficult time.

So that’s why I am excited for Christmas, because we will all be together and have a fantastic time where we will love each other and have fun.

I’m 32 now. Every year your get wiser. I’ve always loved my family, but this time, I just realized a greater appreciation and.. well.. I don’t know how to describe it… an emotion of where I want to be around them.

Again, this isn’t a sob story. It’s actually the first time I ever fully wrote these thoughts of mine… so it feels good to get these thoughts off my chest.

My Steam profile is private, but if I do win (if I don’t it’s fine, typing this has made me feel like some weight has gotten of my shoulders even though I didn’t go into everything, like the painful treatments and the physical pain of MS in general and whole bunch of crap), feel free to PM me.

Also, everything I’ve said can be verified as true, as i’ve been published many times in Philadelphia and Pennsylvania and involved in the Philadelphia political machine. So all you have to do is ask my real name.

Again, this isn’t for pity sakes. If I don’t win Watch Underscore Dogs, it’s fine. Typing this has been helpful…. but still winning would be sorta nice too ;).

Anyway, Happy Holidays everyone. I wish you all love, health, and good spirits all over.

Thank you for this opportunity… like I said.. I’ve been meaning to do this for almost 12 months.. to type about myself… to write again (my ex-boss’ abuse really fucked with my head, I write about Civil Rights and Social Justice, etc, but she made me feel inadequate)… so.. again… thank you.